"You like someone who can't like you back because unrequited love can be survived in a way that once-requited love cannot." -John Green
Take a moment to bask in the beauty of that. The truth. If you completely disagree then you may want to skip this post because it is going to be along the same lines, and more personal than normal.
I honestly wish I could write like John Green. That's a little dishonest. I wish I thought the things John Green thinks. Reading and watching him speak, he just seems to get it. I don't know what it is. But he gets it.
I'm a big believer in the above quote. Unrequited love is easier to survive than once requited love. At least for me. I'm a sucker for my once requited loves. All of them. Do I still love them? No. Took me awhile to figure that out but you can't love someone whose not present. Let me rephrase, I can't love someone who is not present.
But I do remember them.
Memory is an interesting thing. Some people seem to have it in droves, some can barely remember their own name. I don't know what kind of memory I have exactly. It's not photographic (an astronomically low number of people have that), and it's not all encompassing. I've started to forget things as I've gotten older. My memory is good.
For example, I am currently sitting at my favorite spot within 1000 miles. There are literally only two humans on the face of the earth who can say where that is. One is me. The other, a once-requited love. I didn't come here to relive our relationship. I came here because it's my favorite spot to think.
But there are memories of her here as well.
The instant I began the familiar drive, memories rushed back in. All 87 times we've been out here. I remember them each, vividly, separately, and in detail. The conversations, laughs, cries, and kisses are one wall away. But that is not a wall I care to bring down tonight.
I'm here to write after all.
When I go home the same thing happens. I remember my high school girlfriend. Every moment we spent together. Drive by school, thousands of memories. See a park, thousands more. I specifically try to avoid my old room so I don't have to constantly be bombarded by memories.
Let me be clear. I've lived a happy life. Most of my memories are good. My memories are not solely made up of once-requited loves. The same thing happens with guys I played baseball and football with. Teachers, coaches, family. The same thing happens with them. These are not horrible flashes that drive me into a deep depression. It's just a constant stream of memories in my mind. That's how my brain works. I'm not in yours, so I don't know what yours does.
But it can be exhausting.
Which brings me to unrequited love. Who doesn't have at least one of these? To me it's nice. It gives my brain something new to focus on instead of my own memories. I think that's why I started this blog. Why I started the podcast. Creating things also allows me to focus elsewhere. I can't remember a time when my mind was completely idle. I've gotten it to calm down through meditation. But never idle. I'm always thinking. So I think (I'm discovering this as I write, forgive) I turned to creation as a way to keep my mind rolling on something other than my memories. If I stop, even for a moment, my mind immediately starts going over memories.
So I directed it. Not control. Direct. I focus on unrequited love because there are less memories. There is fantasy. I imagine scenarios. Picture what I will say. Most people do this. From what I hear at least.
But it's beautiful.
I choose to focus my mind on someone or something that I know will not return my love. I do this because it's fun. I do this because it's safe. I do this because it is endurable. Maybe some think that this is unhealthy.
"Tyler if you like someone you should tell them, pursue it, take a chance."
Perhaps. In fact, yes...normally. Life's too short and too unpredictable not to take a chance at sharing your feelings. You know what's the very worse that can happen? Someone will know, even if only for a moment, that they are admired. That another human being on this planet really, truly likes something about them. Their personality, their looks, their laugh, their eyes. Whatever. That's the absolutely worse thing that will happen. And that's pretty damn amazing when you think about it.
But I said normally.
Sometimes I need an unrequited love. Sometimes I like letting my mind be directed at creating something, instead of reliving it. I'm still working on myself. It's an arduous process, at best. Maybe one day I'll be able to create, fantasize, remember, and live in the moment; all simultaneously.
But not today.
Today I have my unrequited love. And I love it.