My Biggest Fear

by talkbackty on Nov 17, 2011

This is part of our Us Meets World blog. Feel free to answer this question on your own blog. "What is your biggest fear?" Send me a link and I'll post your blog along with all the others.

Fear is an interesting thing. On the one hand, we all deal with it. There is no one who is truly fearless. Even sociopaths who feel no emotions, as we understand them, still wake up in the morning, eat food, go to the bathroom and all other basic human survival elements. In the most primal way, they do not want to die.

Which is a common fear for many, Thanatophobia, the fear of death. It's not particularly high on my list though. We all get old, our bodies break down and we die. If you have the misfortune to skip the getting old and body breaking down steps, that's all it is...misfortune.

What am I afraid of?

Let me first explain that I am something of a smile/laughter seeker. I want to cause people to laugh, to be happy, to enjoy a tiny portion of life. I try not to be the obnoxious, class-clown type (although I went through that phase). I want your day to be a little bit better after having been around me.

Over time though I've come to realize that my charms are not universal. Not everyone likes me. More importantly, I don't like everyone. There are a lot of closed minded, ignorant people who can really screw with my day. Having learned these things, I no longer try to be constantly funny or entertaining. If you annoy me, I am pretty quick to disengage and get you out of my life as quickly as possible.

For people that I like, people I enjoy being around or talking to...for them I will go to the ends of the earth trying to please them. It's not a fact I broadcast much. I've been burned a few times by soul-draining humans who will take advantage of poor saps like me. However, for those on the inside of my "circle of trust" there is very little I will not do. Car broke down 150 miles away? No problem. Need $500 to pay rent. Here's a check. Killed someone and need help hiding the body? I'll get the shovel Rolando friend.

My biggest fear then is hurting one of those people. One of those people who I would have done anything for. When I create a situation that I can not fix and have done irrerable harm. Yes, it has happened before. And I don't want it to happen again. Hence, biggest fear. When you have that mindset regarding a certain person it's incredibly heartbreaking when they no longer want anything to do with you. It's even worse if I never told them how highly I valued them.

At the end of the day my greatest fear is one that is incredibly simple and incredibly self-generated. Notice there is not a whole lot of outside influence involved in my fear. No one is dumping a tank of snakes on me; although I imagine that to be uncomfortable and, depending on the size of the tank, possibly deadly. My fear is internal. Both self-created and self-inflicting. Absolutely terrifying because the only person in control is the one person hardest to control, myself.