Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
This is my
first post in what will become a fairly regular series beginning next
week. The idea sprang when one of the people I went to college with
wrote a blog about dating, and then another friend wrote their
thoughts, and then another, and now me. We started this chain
reaction of thought all circling around one concept. So over the next
week or two we will solidify our plans to create a weekly blog on one
topic- viewed from different perspectives.
The
originator was Izzy. The reply was from Allison. The idea came forth
on Kandace's blog. Katelyn soon joined in. And now it is my turn.
Men and women
can't be friends. Not shouldn't, or it's not a good idea. They can't.
At the end of the day, sexual tension will always get in the way.
Fans of
movies will realize that I'm just rehashing a point made much more
eloquently in When Harry Met Sally.
The funny
thing is that this is a perfect example of art reflecting life. Men
and women can not be friends. I suppose our societal structures are
partially to blame, maybe it is not as biological as I make it out to
be. I fully admit that there is a possibility I'm wrong.
Except for
all the men who are agreeing with me already.
The biggest
problem comes with people's definition of the word friend. It's too
casual at the moment. What you're thinking of is an acquaintance.
Someone you know from social interactions or school or work. You know
them, you are aware of their existence as another human being, you
may even exchange pleasantries from time to time.
That does not
make them a friend.
Friends are
confidants. They are the people you are closest to and can share
everything with. It's the guy you call to bail you of jail or the
girl who leaves her sisters' wedding because you broke up with your
boyfriend and can't stop crying. Friends are rare.
Most
importantly, you are attracted to your friend. There personality is
interesting to you. That's why you're able to play video games for 8
hours straight, or talk non-stop, or not-talk non-stop; and you still
find them pleasing to be around. You like being around them because
you are attracted to them.
You're
attracted to them for reasons that are completely beyond physicality
and biology. You are attracted to their soul, their essence, their
actuality. You are attracted to who they are as a person.
When it comes
to men and women, the first reason you are attracted to a member of
the opposite sex is because they are a member of the opposite sex.
The soul, their essence, their actuality? That is nice...but it is a
secondary concern when you're presented with your biological nirvana
only meters away.
Now whether
that dynamic is one-sided, or mutually felt is irrelevant. It doesn't
matter that you don't like him, or you think she is ugly. In fact,
you could both not like one another. If you're "friends"
eventually it will all lead back to the same place. If you hang out
with a person because you enjoy their company, because they interest
you, because you enjoy them as a person...eventually, you'll start
wondering why you aren't sleeping together/dating/married.
The line, "I
want to marry my best friend" is misleading. It's more like,
"The person I marry will become my best friend." You can't
marry you're best friend. That would imply that sex was never a
factor in your relationship...which is obviously false because you
are getting married. It would imply that you already reached a point
in your relationship when sex was not an issue. That you saw beyond
it, that you saw the real person sitting across from you. And if you
were able to accomplish that then my reaction is first, that you're
lying to me or yourself, and second that you are the exception not
the rule.
The simple
truth is that everyone you know who enjoys your company, who wants to
spend time with you, who likes interacting with you; is interested in
being more than "friends." And the even simpler answer to
your next question of, "Why?" is, "Why wouldn't they
be?" Why would a person who enjoys everything about you not want
to spend as much time with you as possible? Why would they not want
to experience, what most consider, to be the one thing that brings
two people closer together than anything else?
I know this
is disagreeable material, but if you are honest with yourself I think
you can understand what I'm saying. I think you'll realize how often
the issue comes up. How many times you've wanted something with
someone and when those feeling weren't returned you played it cool so
you could still be "friends." Be honest, if you're still
friends it's because you are hoping that one day the other person
will change their mind.
I need to vent sometimes. We probably all do I suppose.
I'm a pretty relaxed person. I call it California chill. Others call it being a hippie. Others call it not being an adult/not caring enough. When push comes to shove though I am a laid back kinda guy. (Don't push me though...it's rude)
The truth is that occasionally I got to let it all out. I do this mainly by bitching about little stuff. Insulting Sarah Palin, or Twilight, or Twitter, or blogging. Whatever gets in my way at a particular moment.
The podcast generally allows me to vent pretty healthily I believe. But it sneaks in to other aspects of my life as well. My roommates usually catch the majority of this anger. I often think that I'm on the verge of losing anything I have resembling friends when I do this because it's out of character.
I think people get used to the ones around them being a certain way. Oh she's the gossipy one, he's the moocher, she's the whore...whatever it may be. We craft this idea of people in our minds and then if they ever deviate from our script we become confused, upset, or angry. "Read the script man! The script is the bible!"
We respond by saying things like, "they've changed," "we used to have so much in common," "I don't know who you are anymore."
Sound familiar?
Ahem...my ex-girlfriends???
:)
People are more complicated than that. I'm more complicated than that and so are you. There's a quote I love and it goes roughly like this:
"Any time two people enter into a conversation there are actually 6 men present. There are the 2 men as they see themselves. Then there are the 2 men as they see one another. And finally, there are the 2 men as they really are."
Some days I need to vent. I take it out on anyone within earshot and about anything that seems to get in my way. Is this who I am? I don't believe so.
What trait do others see in you? What traits do you see in yourself? Are they wrong? Are they right?
In a world ruled not by absolute truths, but by perception, how are we to live? Do we judge people for every emotion they show? Do we do the same to ourselves?
I would like to get to a place where I am living in the present. Not how teenagers use the phrase to describe their right to party, but on a level more in line with Buddhism. Recognizing that something is going on at this moment. Excepting it. Living my life based on the assumption that all people want to be good- even if our society socializes that out of us.
So it goes my friends. So it goes.