Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
This is my
first post in what will become a fairly regular series beginning next
week. The idea sprang when one of the people I went to college with
wrote a blog about dating, and then another friend wrote their
thoughts, and then another, and now me. We started this chain
reaction of thought all circling around one concept. So over the next
week or two we will solidify our plans to create a weekly blog on one
topic- viewed from different perspectives.
The
originator was Izzy. The reply was from Allison. The idea came forth
on Kandace's blog. Katelyn soon joined in. And now it is my turn.
Men and women
can't be friends. Not shouldn't, or it's not a good idea. They can't.
At the end of the day, sexual tension will always get in the way.
Fans of
movies will realize that I'm just rehashing a point made much more
eloquently in When Harry Met Sally.
The funny
thing is that this is a perfect example of art reflecting life. Men
and women can not be friends. I suppose our societal structures are
partially to blame, maybe it is not as biological as I make it out to
be. I fully admit that there is a possibility I'm wrong.
Except for
all the men who are agreeing with me already.
The biggest
problem comes with people's definition of the word friend. It's too
casual at the moment. What you're thinking of is an acquaintance.
Someone you know from social interactions or school or work. You know
them, you are aware of their existence as another human being, you
may even exchange pleasantries from time to time.
That does not
make them a friend.
Friends are
confidants. They are the people you are closest to and can share
everything with. It's the guy you call to bail you of jail or the
girl who leaves her sisters' wedding because you broke up with your
boyfriend and can't stop crying. Friends are rare.
Most
importantly, you are attracted to your friend. There personality is
interesting to you. That's why you're able to play video games for 8
hours straight, or talk non-stop, or not-talk non-stop; and you still
find them pleasing to be around. You like being around them because
you are attracted to them.
You're
attracted to them for reasons that are completely beyond physicality
and biology. You are attracted to their soul, their essence, their
actuality. You are attracted to who they are as a person.
When it comes
to men and women, the first reason you are attracted to a member of
the opposite sex is because they are a member of the opposite sex.
The soul, their essence, their actuality? That is nice...but it is a
secondary concern when you're presented with your biological nirvana
only meters away.
Now whether
that dynamic is one-sided, or mutually felt is irrelevant. It doesn't
matter that you don't like him, or you think she is ugly. In fact,
you could both not like one another. If you're "friends"
eventually it will all lead back to the same place. If you hang out
with a person because you enjoy their company, because they interest
you, because you enjoy them as a person...eventually, you'll start
wondering why you aren't sleeping together/dating/married.
The line, "I
want to marry my best friend" is misleading. It's more like,
"The person I marry will become my best friend." You can't
marry you're best friend. That would imply that sex was never a
factor in your relationship...which is obviously false because you
are getting married. It would imply that you already reached a point
in your relationship when sex was not an issue. That you saw beyond
it, that you saw the real person sitting across from you. And if you
were able to accomplish that then my reaction is first, that you're
lying to me or yourself, and second that you are the exception not
the rule.
The simple
truth is that everyone you know who enjoys your company, who wants to
spend time with you, who likes interacting with you; is interested in
being more than "friends." And the even simpler answer to
your next question of, "Why?" is, "Why wouldn't they
be?" Why would a person who enjoys everything about you not want
to spend as much time with you as possible? Why would they not want
to experience, what most consider, to be the one thing that brings
two people closer together than anything else?
I know this
is disagreeable material, but if you are honest with yourself I think
you can understand what I'm saying. I think you'll realize how often
the issue comes up. How many times you've wanted something with
someone and when those feeling weren't returned you played it cool so
you could still be "friends." Be honest, if you're still
friends it's because you are hoping that one day the other person
will change their mind.
"You like someone who can't like you back because unrequited love can be survived in a way that once-requited love cannot." -John Green
Take a moment to bask in the beauty of that. The truth. If you completely disagree then you may want to skip this post because it is going to be along the same lines, and more personal than normal.
I honestly wish I could write like John Green. That's a little dishonest. I wish I thought the things John Green thinks. Reading and watching him speak, he just seems to get it. I don't know what it is. But he gets it.
I'm a big believer in the above quote. Unrequited love is easier to survive than once requited love. At least for me. I'm a sucker for my once requited loves. All of them. Do I still love them? No. Took me awhile to figure that out but you can't love someone whose not present. Let me rephrase, I can't love someone who is not present.
But I do remember them.
Memory is an interesting thing. Some people seem to have it in droves, some can barely remember their own name. I don't know what kind of memory I have exactly. It's not photographic (an astronomically low number of people have that), and it's not all encompassing. I've started to forget things as I've gotten older. My memory is good.
For example, I am currently sitting at my favorite spot within 1000 miles. There are literally only two humans on the face of the earth who can say where that is. One is me. The other, a once-requited love. I didn't come here to relive our relationship. I came here because it's my favorite spot to think.
But there are memories of her here as well.
The instant I began the familiar drive, memories rushed back in. All 87 times we've been out here. I remember them each, vividly, separately, and in detail. The conversations, laughs, cries, and kisses are one wall away. But that is not a wall I care to bring down tonight.
I'm here to write after all.
When I go home the same thing happens. I remember my high school girlfriend. Every moment we spent together. Drive by school, thousands of memories. See a park, thousands more. I specifically try to avoid my old room so I don't have to constantly be bombarded by memories.
Let me be clear. I've lived a happy life. Most of my memories are good. My memories are not solely made up of once-requited loves. The same thing happens with guys I played baseball and football with. Teachers, coaches, family. The same thing happens with them. These are not horrible flashes that drive me into a deep depression. It's just a constant stream of memories in my mind. That's how my brain works. I'm not in yours, so I don't know what yours does.
But it can be exhausting.
Which brings me to unrequited love. Who doesn't have at least one of these? To me it's nice. It gives my brain something new to focus on instead of my own memories. I think that's why I started this blog. Why I started the podcast. Creating things also allows me to focus elsewhere. I can't remember a time when my mind was completely idle. I've gotten it to calm down through meditation. But never idle. I'm always thinking. So I think (I'm discovering this as I write, forgive) I turned to creation as a way to keep my mind rolling on something other than my memories. If I stop, even for a moment, my mind immediately starts going over memories.
So I directed it. Not control. Direct. I focus on unrequited love because there are less memories. There is fantasy. I imagine scenarios. Picture what I will say. Most people do this. From what I hear at least.
But it's beautiful.
I choose to focus my mind on someone or something that I know will not return my love. I do this because it's fun. I do this because it's safe. I do this because it is endurable. Maybe some think that this is unhealthy.
"Tyler if you like someone you should tell them, pursue it, take a chance."
Perhaps. In fact, yes...normally. Life's too short and too unpredictable not to take a chance at sharing your feelings. You know what's the very worse that can happen? Someone will know, even if only for a moment, that they are admired. That another human being on this planet really, truly likes something about them. Their personality, their looks, their laugh, their eyes. Whatever. That's the absolutely worse thing that will happen. And that's pretty damn amazing when you think about it.
But I said normally.
Sometimes I need an unrequited love. Sometimes I like letting my mind be directed at creating something, instead of reliving it. I'm still working on myself. It's an arduous process, at best. Maybe one day I'll be able to create, fantasize, remember, and live in the moment; all simultaneously.
But not today.
Today I have my unrequited love. And I love it.